Stepfamilies Are Different - Part 4

If you are tuning into this Blog for the first time, please be sure to read the first couple of segments of this series, before continuing.

e. Your stepchild may have been raised with very different values and beliefs to yours.”

You may have certain values and beliefs which you hold very dear and which you are busily imparting to your own children. Your stepchildren, not having grown up in this environment, may have totally different ideas about all that is important to you. This can naturally cause a lot of angst and a lot of conflict.

Hint: Don’t expect your step kids to drop the values and beliefs they have grown up with just because they are not the same as your values and beliefs.
Stretch your own horizon. Learn to accept the children for who they are (including their values and beliefs). As a consequence they will (in time) accept you for who you are (including your values and beliefs). Impart your values and beliefs by consistent role modeling. Be prepared to compromise.



f. If you decide to have a biological child with your partner, this child will never be your partner’s 1st child.


 aving a baby with a partner who already is a parent means that your child will never be their “first”. Depending on the family circumstance, especially if your stepchild lives with you permanently or for prolonged periods of time, it may feel to you as though you cannot ever revel in the experience of having a first baby. This is so especially if your time needs to be shared between stepchild and biological child. Thus you may feel cheated, ripped off and overwhelmed and will need to walk through your own grieving process.



Hint: Accept that the baby you have with your partner will never be your partner’s first child.

Come to terms with the fact that your 'together child' will never replace the stepchild. Understand that, if your stepchildren live with you permanently, you will have to share your attention and affection between them and your own child. Don’t allow the closer bond you feel with your biological child to cause you to become unfair towards your stepchild.



This series was a brief exploration of the most striking differences we encounter in stepfamilies as opposed to nuclear families and contained a few equally brief suggestions as to how one can tackle these. If you'd like to explore these points more in-depth you would benefit from reading my book Hell...p! I'm A Stepmother. Click here for purchase information.

Stepfamilies Are Different - Part 3

If you are tuning into this Blog for the first time, please be sure to read the first couple of segments of this series, before continuing.

c. Stepfamilies come about as a consequence of loss.

Stepfamilies result from repartnering after a first partner’s death or if you have gone through a separation or divorce. Either situation brings in its wake an enormous sense of loss and grief. People who have gone through one or the other of these experiences need to not only come to terms with having lost their most important relationship but also their expectations, hopes, plans and dreams. The child who has experienced such a circumstance will have to come to terms with the loss of a parent and having the world they knew turned upside down. They may also lose their home if their situation requires a move and consequently their local school and friends.

The experience of loss is NEVER easy. It makes for heavy emotional baggage and grieving can take a long time. Unless you are aware of this reality, you may be confused, unprepared and totally bewildered by your stepfamily member’s emotions and behaviours.

Hint: Be aware that your stepchild may be in the throws of grieving for all that they havd lost. Grieving children often exhibit difficult behaviour. Remember that this is not about you and don’t take their behaviour personally. Give them permission to grieve. Encourage them to talk about it. Be willing to listen. Don’t try to fix their pain. Lend them your shoulder to cry on.

d. Your stepchild has a number of relatives who are not related to you.

When you embark on your stepfamily journey you not only acquire stepchildren, you also inherit in-laws by “default”. This may not be much of an issue if your stepchildren are only weekend visitors. If they live with you permanently or for extended periods of time, however, you may well be faced with your partner’s former in-laws who (reasonably enough) will want to continue their relationship with their grandchild, nephew, niece, cousin (your stepchild). This can be an amicable affair, especially if these in-laws are a positive influence in your stepchild’s life. This can, however, present you with all sorts of problems you may not have considered BS (before stepfamily). This is most often the case if your partner’s ex is bitter, angry and hateful and her/his relatives feel uncomfortably caught in a loyalty bind. All step-rellies (even your partner’s parents who may be caught in a similar dilemma) can be your allies or your foes.

Hint: Adopt an open-door policy with your step-relatives. Show them that you welcome them in your life. Befriend them if you can. Be aware that they may be struggling with loyalty conflicts and that they may be quite wary of you. Don’t expect them to “take sides”. Encourage your stepchild’s relationship with them. Let them “help you out” by babysitting, taking the kids for the weekend etc... and be sure that you express your appreciation.

Stay tuned for the last part of this series, coming next week.

Stepfamilies Are Different - Part 2

Before we continue on with the remainder of the major differences between step- and nuclear families I'd like to remind you that stepfamilies CAN be happy and successful and am going to give you a few hints on how you can assist this process as it relates to the two points we explored last week.

a. Your stepchild only has blood ties with your partner.

Hint: Befriend your stepchild/ren gently and slowly.

Remember that having no blood ties means that you need to find other ways of connection:

• Spend time with them.
• Show your interest in what is important to them.
• Do things with them that they enjoy doing.
• Help them feel liked, acknowledged and accepted.
• Let them know that you are for them, not against them.

Remember that, even though these suggestions may be really difficult to adopt, your stepchild will sooner or later respond to you reaching out to them. As a consequence your life will, in time, become much less stressful. Additionally, you are laying the foundation for a future friendship with your stepchild, which will be rewarding for you both.

b. Unless your stepchild’s biological parent is deceased or permanently absent, the parenting job has to be shared with your partner’s ex.

Hint: Realize that your partner’s ex most likely struggles as much with your presence in their life as you struggle with their presence in yours. Frequently ex-partners are terrified that their children might prefer the other home and/or their stepparent to them.

Help your partner’s ex know that you are not trying to replace him or her in their children’s lives. Remember that it’s the children who suffer most if you cannot connect with the ex on any level. Your life is likely to be much more peaceful if you “bury the axe” with your partner’s ex.

Stay tuned for the next post....