A Stepmum's Step To Happiness - Part 2

Having explored in our last post the importance of honouring yourself in a stepparenting situation, today we'll be looking at the importance of honouring your partner.

Life skill 2 -– Honour your partner

Honouring the person you have chosen as your partner is of second importance only to honouring yourself. By choosing him you have taken a very important step that changes everything in your life. Instead of focusing solely on yourself, you now need to shift that focus onto another, whilst at the same time continuing to honour yourself.

Honouring your partner means sharing yourself with him, giving him entrance to your physical, emotional and spiritual being. It means giving him permission to show himself to you (warts and all) and accepting him unconditionally (despite his imperfections). It also means allowing him to know who you are (the good, the bad and the ugly) and giving him the opportunity to love and accept you unconditionally (despite your imperfections).

Honouoring your partner means giving, sharing and compromising. It means being open to learning, to growing and changing as you travel through life together.

Practical ways to honour your partner in a stepfamily situation:

• Recognise the importance of time spent alone together– away from your step-parenting responsibilities.

Daily - find 15-20 minutes to talk about your day - – share coffee, a pre-dinner drink, go for a walk

Weekly –- spend an evening together (without the kids) - go to the movies, eat at a restaurant, share a candle-lit dinner at home.

Monthly -– spend a day together - roam the city, go boating, fishing or swimming.

Yearly –- take a holiday together (without the children).

• Romance your partner. Be aware that romance is often the first victim in a stepfamily situation. Write love notes. Tell him how much he means to you.

• Let him know your feelings (about him, about the stepfamily situation, about life). Don’'t hide your upsets, whether they are to do with him or to do with other issues. Be sure, however, that you communicate your upsets in a non-blaming self-responsible way, for instance: "“When you give your children all your attention and time, I feel left out and that hurts”."

• Remember that conflict is part of life – so don’t be afraid of it. Use the opportunity to discuss and work out your differences.

• Support each other.

Be sure to find out in our next post what it means to honour the children in your step-situation. Till then :)

A Stepmum's Steps To Happiness

I wrote this article in 2001 for a Parenting Magazine. As the truth it contains applies to today's stepmums just as much as it applied to them 9 years ago, I thought that I'd share it with you. ENJOY!

When I married, some 20 years ago, I not only acquired a husband but also ‘inherited’ two boys, aged 3 and 4. Young, impressionable and still believing in the ‘living happily ever after’ fairytales of my childhood, I attacked my ‘new job’ - that of a stepmother, with energy and gusto. The first hiccup occurred when the children’s biological mother, who had been an inconsistent but important presence in their lives, decided that she really wasn'’t needed any more and simply disappeared, not to be seen again for 14 years. This threw the children into confusion, distress and intense feelings of grief, which took many years to resolve. For me it was merely the beginning of a long and sobering journey through every conceivable emotion (mostly painful ones!). I felt overwhelmed, cheated and despaired. I was convinced that I was a failure at this mysterious thing called mothering, was resentful at the many difficulties that step-parenting seemed to present, was angry with my husband, the children, the vanished ‘ex’ and most of all with myself. I wanted to run away, declare this whole step-parenting thing a big mistake and start over somewhere, somehow - ALONE. Instead, however, I chose to struggle on until - about 10 years into my marriage and two natural sons later - when physically exhausted, emotionally drained and spiritually bankrupt, I decided that if anything was going to change in my family life experience, the change would have to begin with me. This was the turnaround and the first step that led me onto a different journey. The journey was one of self-discovery, personal growth and development. The following LIFE SKILLS were birthed throughout this time and helped make the second half of my step-mothering experience a much easier and more pleasurable one.

Life skill 1- Honour yourself

Do you know that you can only give to others what you have yourself? For instance, if you don'’t possess a coat, you cannot give it to someone else who might be freezing. Likewise this is true for your internal treasures and possessions. You cannot give love, compassion or nurture to anyone else if you do not have them contained within yourself. As most of us never question whether we possess these treasures until we are called upon to share them with someone else, it can come as a terrible shock when we discover our own emotional bankruptcy. If this has happened to you, do not despair. It is never too late to acquire these treasures – in fact, right now is a good time to begin.

Honouring yourself means listening to your own needs, desires, hopes and dreams. It means treating yourself with the kindness, caring and love you would extend to your very best friend. It means cherishing your body, soul and spirit and providing for each what they need in order to be healthy, well fed, balanced and content.

Honouring yourself means learning about yourself – discovering who you are, your good sides as well as the ones you aren’'t so proud of and to accept them all as uniquely yours.

Practical ways you can honour yourself as a step-mother:

• Realize that you have chosen a difficult journey.
• Examine your expectations of how it should be and accept the reality of how it is.
• Make a list of the things you enjoyed doing pre step-parenting and ensure that you continue doing at least some of them.
• Make time for yourself (to nurture your soul!) – paint, write, play tennis, work out at the gym, listen to music - do something daily (no matter how small) that pleases you.
• Tune in to your feelings. Realize that disappointment, anger, hurt, confusion and rejection are feelings that are common to the step-parenting experience.
• Talk about these feelings to someone you trust –- whatever you don, don’t' bottle them up!
• Ensure that you release your stress in a healthy way - meditate, listen to relaxation CD's, jog or do whatever has worked for you in the past.
• Discover the positives in your situation and re-affirm them when the going gets tough.
• Celebrate every joyful moment!

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In my next post you'll learn about how Honouring Your Partner will help YOU to gain happiness and joy as you travel along your stepmum journey. Till then, ciao bella - Sonja

Really relating to your stepchildren

If you attempt to identify the times at which you've felt especially good about yourself, chances are that you will pinpoint moments when you’ve felt greatly loved and appreciated or when you've been able to do something really special for someone else. Your greatest pain was probably accompanied by a feeling of not being lovable, not being valued, even of being rejected. This clearly demonstrates that whilst every human being has a number of basic needs, the greatest ones of those are to feel valued, worthwhile, capable and loved. Because this is just as true for your stepchildren as it is for you, here are 10 keys of how you can nurture your partner's kids:

1. Take time for your stepchildren – they instinctively know that you’ll spend time on what you value.
2. Lead by example – stepchildren won’t necessarily do what you say but, like all children, they will enact what they see.
3. Show an interest in what is important to them – this communicates that you consider them important enough to want to ‘know’ them for who they REALLY are.
4. Listen to your stepchildren without judgment – this shows that you respect their point of view.
5. Have age-appropriate expectations of your stepchildren – let them be children.
6. Remember that we learn from our mistakes – never punish your stepchildren for making one.
7. Affirm, praise and encourage your stepchildren – this boosts their self-esteem.
8. Show that you have trust and confidence in them – this encourages self-responsibility.
9. Teach your stepchildren how to deal with conflict – this helps them understand that conflict is a normal part of life.
10. Remember that your stepchildren didn’t choose you – you chose to become part of their lives when you chose their parent to be your partner.

You can read more on creating successful relationships in my book “Hell…p! I’m a stepmother”. To place an order, click here.