Call to all stepmums - BE KIND TO YOURSELF!

When we first start out on our stepmum journey we can get so overwhelmed with all the new demands that we can place ourselves - our own desires, needs and wants - right at the bottom of our long "must do" list.

This is an easy trap to fall into, and one that needs to be avoided at all costs.

If we only ' do' for others whilst forgetting ourselves in the process, it won't be long before we get worn down, cranky, resentful and begin to feel like the proverbial 'martyr'.

To avoid this trap, we need to remember, that we can only ever be as kind to others as we are to ourselves. In practical terms this means that we need to ensure that our own needs are met so that we can adequately meet the needs of others - specifically the needs of our stepfamily.

Being kind to yourself can mean different things to different people. You are kind to yourself when you take time out for the things YOU like to do - this could be reading, walking the dog, luxuriating in a bubble bath - in short, time to do something that pleasures and nurtures you. It also means that you don't beat yourself up for all your 'shortcomings'.

Whenever you find that you don't live up to your expectations, remember that nobody is perfect, let go of guilt and simply determine to do better next time. The kinder you can be to yourself the easier you will find being kind to others.

The Role Of Maturity In A Stepparent's Life - Part 3

20 years after I first said 'I do'.

Welcome to the last part of this series. I hope that you will read it in the spirit in which it was written - that you'll recognise that I am not 'giving some expert's advice' but am talking from the foundation of personal experience as well as from the pain that came from my years of personal struggle that finally culminated in the recognition that if anything in my family was going to change, the change had to begin within me.

MATURITY = THE ART OF LIVING IN PEACE WITH THAT WHICH CANNOT BE CHANGED

Stepfamily living requires that you become very skilled at this, as there are multitudes of things which cannot be changed. Railing against these things brings no more than permanent frustration, feeling out of control, feeling victimized, blown about by circumstance, at the mercy of others, unhappy and frequently discontent.

For you, the step-parent, this means:

*Discovering the things that you can and the things that you cannot change in your situation.

*Developing the ability to know the difference.

*Letting go of the things you cannot change.

*Developing the ability to separate your feelings from other people’s actions.

*Developing the gift of flexibility.

*Trusting that things will work out in the end, even if you are not in control of them.

MATURITY = ACCEPTING YOURSELF

Self-acceptance is a very important stepping stone on the path to maturity. The reality is that unless you accept yourself (warts and all) there is no way you can possibly accept anyone else.

Self-acceptance for you, the step-parent, means:

*The need to open your eyes to your strengths as well as your weaknesses.

*To discover your beauty as well as your inner areas of darkness.

*To know that you cannot be all things to all people.

*To accept that you won’t get it right all the time no matter how hard you try and that this doesn’t mean you are a failure or are worth less than anyone else.

*Rather than beating yourself up about the things you dislike about yourself you become open to discovery, learning and change.

*That all the power you will ever need already resides within you.

MATURITY = THE RECOGNITION THAT YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE

People so often feel totally out of control - unable to change their circumstances, situations, habits, life patterns, misfortunes, addictions etc. To some degree, of course, it is true that we are out of control – no-one has control over the fact that they are born or the reality that they will die. No-one can control what others will or won’t do and this may indeed have influence on their life decisions or impact their quality of life - after all, no-one is an island!!

Maturity and consequential freedom from the anguish of constantly feeling out of control (which is an aguish shared by almost all step-parents) comes from the recognition that it is never the circumstance, but the way you respond to the circumstance that gives you control over your life. Victor Frankl was a most extraordinary human being who spent many years in a concentration camp. Although robbed of his home, his financial security, his status as well-known psychiatrist, his health and the lives of almost all of his family members (experiences that nearly succeeded in destroying him) he discovered that: ‘EVERYTHING CAN BE TAKEN AWAY FROM A MAN BUT ONE THING: THE LAST OF HUMAN FREEDOMS –TO CHOOSE ONE’S ATTITUDE IN ANY GIVEN SET OF CIRCUMSTANCE, TO CHOOSE ONE’S OWN WAY’.

For you, the step-parent, this means that:

*You can allow yourself to hate every minute of your experience, or you can choose to discover, enjoy and celebrate its positives.

*You can decide to’ throw in the towel’ when the going gets tough, or you can choose to become tough and determine to keep going.

* You can choose to hate your own or your partner’s ‘ex’ if he/she makes your life a misery, or you can choose not to be threatened by him or her and to respond to them with grace and mercy.

*You can choose to respond with resentment and anger to your stepchildren’s disrespectful and hurtful behaviour, or you can choose to show them a different way of being.

*You can choose to waste many precious years of your life (which you’ll never be able to re-capture) by being angry with fate, circumstances or people, or you can choose to open yourself to changing, learning and becoming the best YOU that you can BE.

Whilst I know from my own experience and the experiences of each client I have the pleasure and honour to accompany on part of their life’s journey, maturity isn’t so easy to come by, I trust that this post and, in fact, each one of my posts will help you towards living your life more consciously and towards finding more fulfillment, peace, passion, gratitude and joy.

Wishing you the very best for your step-journey! Sonja

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

WHAT IS LIFE?

Life is a gift – accept it!

Life is an adventure – dare it!

Life is a mystery – unfold it!

Life is a game – play it!

Life is a puzzle – solve it!

Life is a struggle – face it!

Life is beauty – praise it!

Life is sorrowful – experience it!

Life is opportunity – take it!

Life is a goal – achieve it!

Life is a song – sing it!

Life is a mission – fulfill it!

(Author David McNally)

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The following is an excerpt of my book “Hell…p! I’m a stepmother” from the chapter entitled “Steps to Freedom”.

Maturity

It is said that maturity comes with age. I believe that the only reason this saying often holds true is that no one can move through life without facing a number of challenges. Whilst people respond in different ways to their challenges, none of us can escape them altogether.

For many years I had no appreciation for the challenges of my life. I hated them, railed against them, wanted to ignore them, escape them, be rid of them. It was only when I accepted that nobody is exempt from the buffeting storms of life and that I have a choice in how to respond to them that I was able to give up my futile battle and begin to embrace my difficulties and see them as opportunities. Increasingly, as I learnt to ‘go with the flow’, I began to learn the lessons they contained. Maturity is one of the sweet rewards for choosing to embrace the challenges of our lives.

To purchase this book, click here

The Role Of Maturity In A Stepparent's Life - Part 2

Welcome to Part 2 of my Maturity Series. I imagine that when you read this some of you will be thinking 'yea, it's easy for you to write all this stuff. How would YOU know what's like in MY situation? True, true, I don't know what it's like in your situation but remember very well what it was like in mine. Whilst I was in the first so many years of my stepparenting experience and was tearing my hear our day-in day-out with frustration and was twisting myself into a pretzel of misery in an attempt to find a 'way out' of the trap I felt I was in, I probably would have wanted to scream at anyone even daring to suggest that a bit of maturity would make all the difference in my life. Being on the other side of this journey, however, I can tell you with complete authority that this is the absolute truth. No life is without its challenges; no life is without frustrations; no life is without hurdles that need to be overcome and this is as true an experience in first marriages as it is in second. Just think, why are you in the position you are in? Isn't it because you or your partner have found their first marriage/s too much of a challenge? So, isn't believing that whatever comes next is going to be a picnic in the park somewhat unrealistic? Life is a great teacher of things and whilst I know and understand - having done it no differently myself - that it's those very challenges that give us maturity, appropriating even A LITTLE of what I suggest, at whatever age you happen to be right now, will stand you in very good stead and will possibly determine whether your marriage survives, or not. So, please don't think that I am just giving you a whole heap of theory. EVERYTHING I write comes from the foundation of personal experience.

MATURITY = THE CAPACITY TO FACE UNPLEASANTNESS AND FRUSTRATION

I don’t know any step-parent who hasn’t had his or her share of that. Unpleasantness, I am told, often is the “ex’s” second name – his/her first name usually cannot be mentioned in public! And doesn’t that cause the most incredible frustration? Some of the step-folk I assist complain how they begin every day with the best of intentions, but the moment they have to deal with their own, and even more often, their partner’s “ex” all good-will just flies out of the window and they are left hopping mad, climbing the walls, grinding their teeth, seething like fury…and often with good reason.

The capacity to face unpleasantness and frustration for YOU, the step-parent, means:

* The recognition that living with children who have a biological mother or father living in another household or in memory is bound to cause difficulties.

* The determination not to take your partner’s “ex’s” anger, spite, jealousy etc. personally.

* The resolve not to be put out or pushed into retaliation mode by your stepchildren’s behaviour.

* That you can never replace the step-child’s biological parent no matter how much you may wish to or how hard you may try.

* Understanding that your fantasy (nuclear) image of a family consisting of mum, dad, 2 kids and a dog cannot ever come to pass if he has 3 kids from his first marriage and you have a new baby’s on the way.

MATURITY = THE ABILITY TO CONTROL ANGER AND TO SETTLE DIFFERENCES

No, it doesn’t mean that you can’t ever be annoyed, have a different opinion from your mate or that you can't get angry. What is required, however, is that you need to deal with your anger in a constructive fashion, that you don’t withdraw, pout for days, play ‘no speaks’, turn into an ‘ice queen’ or that you get violent and/or destructive.

For you, the step-parent, this means:

*Having a conscious awareness of the things that cause your angry feelings.

*Recognizing that whilst your anger is usually triggered by another person, it is in your control and therefore it is your responsibility how you respond.

* Being willing to deal with your anger in a constructive fashion.

* Talking the anger issues through with either: the 'offender', your partner, a trusted and wise friend and/or a therapist.

* Learning (and diligently practicing) conflict resolution skills.

* Developing tolerance.

*Recognizing that you are not always right and developing the ability to say “I am sorry”.

MATURITY = THE ABILITY TO MAKE A DECISION AND TO STAND BY IT

Stepparents have made a most important decision - to become a significant person in the lives of a number of people. It’s essential to remember that this decision will have lasting consequences, not only in your own life, but also in the lives of all the members of your stepfamily.

For you, the step-parent, this means:

* Remembering that it was YOUR decision to say “I do”. This is critical, especially at those times when it feels like it has been a bad decision.

* Hanging in there when the going gets tough.

* Recalling at those tough times why you’ve made that choice in the first place e.g. “I married Jim because I love him and couldn't imagine doing life without him”.

* Recommitting yourself to doing whatever it takes to make your family situation work e.g. taking a stepfamily or couples’ relationship course, learning about child development and/or child raising issues, informing yourself about stepfamily challenges and issues, utilizing a counselling service etc.

Recognizing that nothing that is worthwhile and of lasting value comes without a price-tag.

MATURITY = DEPENDABILITY

Dependability is a very important issue. It determines whether you are trustworthy (or not) and therefore has a huge impact on each and every one of your relationships.

Dependability for you, the step-parent, means:

* Taking the responsibility you’ve accepted by moving into the stepfamily experience seriously.

* Keeping your word whether you feel like it or not.

* Being there for each member of your stepfamily no matter how difficult it may be (and being gracious about it).

* Frequently doing things you don’t particularly like doing.

* Making sacrifices that you hadn’t anticipated.

* Remembering your promise ‘for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health’…..

Please remember to return next week for the Part 3 of this Series.